I was walking up to from the parking lot yesterday to the Berea Hospital ER entrance. There was a slight incline and I was out of breath by the time I made it to the registration window.
It wasn’t an emergency room visit, per say, but this is where you check in for outpatient treatment on the weekends. I was there to get platelets to stem the tide of another nose bleed. I spent about five hours or so waiting for and receiving platelets. But in the end, no more nose bleed.
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Photo by Kurt Bauschardt, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/legalcode
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A Fitting End
This capped the end of a week when I found myself back in the hospital at the University of Kentucky. This time I was admitted for an obstruction in my esophagus. Seriously.
I started having pain where my esophagus meets the stomach early last week. I couldn’t eat or drink without excruciating pain. I couldn’t even drink water or my saliva. I had a previously scheduled CT scan of the chest, on Wednesday, which was fortuitous. It would later reveal no infections.
After two days of eating and drinking nothing, I finally went to the ER and was then transferred to UK for my third hospital stay since Thanksgiving.
After a long wait made easier with a steady flow of pain medicine, I had an endoscopy (upper GI) on Thursday. The doctor identified the culprit – “sloughed material” stuck to my esophagus – and removed it. By that evening, I was able to swallow again.
This was likely caused in part by irritation resulting from GVHD, but who knows. It was either esophageal tissue, food, or both. But, c’mon, who else does this happen to? Has any one ever heard of such a thing?
Thankfully, I was released the following afternoon and can eat and drink normally again.
I had been improving before this all happened. My appetite and energy level were growing. I had even gained a couple of pounds. But, four days of not eating, two of them spent in the hospital, have erased much of that.
Frustrating. I’m not back at square one, but I’m having a hard time eating as much and everything pretty well tastes the same, like cardboard. Salty cardboard, sweet cardboard, Snicker Bites-shaped cardboard. This is likely a result of my GVHD. It’s flared up lately and is affecting my eyes and other parts again.
Backward Motion
As I’ve said before, I’m not complaining, folks. I want no pity, just prayers. But this is the life of a cancer patient, at least one who is 16-months post transplant with acute myeloid leukemia.
Because of my lack of improvement, I chose to give up my fellowship at Texas A&M. It’s another bitter pill that is hard to swallow. I’m disappointed, but I’m just not going to be healthy enough by this summer to move my family to Texas and do the coursework. I thought this opportunity was from the Lord, but I guess I was wrong. The Lord gives and takes away, and I’m okay with it.
Over the last few weeks that all this has transpired, I have cried, prayed, screamed the name of Jesus after I swallowed some water, doubted, questioned, been short with my wife and kids, and never once stopped being loved by Heavenly Father.
I know you’re supposed to focus on the things that you can do, not those you can’t. I try to do that, but with spring here I’m reminded of all the things I can’t –simple things like playing outside with my girls. And then a family loses their husband and father who had the same type cancer as me. I feel guilty and at the same time so thankful for what I have.
I still hold on to God’s promise for healing. My last biopsy results were good, although one test was a little concerning. I am still keenly aware of His blessings and the certainly of His presence. I know that when I screamed “Jesus”, He heard me. I know when I asked that He remove this cup from me, He heard me. I know my faith doesn’t have to be perfect because He is. I just have to keep believing.
You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.” (Matt. 21:22, NLT)