I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and had no idea it was February, several days into the month. I’ve been a near permanent fixture on the right cushion of my couch, tethered to an IV pole, since getting out of the hospital a month ago.
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| Photo by Omer Unlu, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/legalcode |
The medication I’ve been taking has lowered my blood counts significantly, so my only excursions from the house have been to the local hospital for platelet and blood infusions two or three days per week. (One notable trip was the night that we got 10 inches of snow; the local police department took me to the hospital for platelets in a Humvee.)
True to form, my eyes have been bad this entire time. Add bad vision to low hemoglobin, which makes you very weak, and you have an unsteady mess tripping over everything on the way to the bathroom and trying not to spill food everywhere.
Passing the Time
The last several weeks have been segmented by IVs and meals, blinding mornings when the day light compounded with the reflection of the sun invade my world and force me to keep my eyes covered; and nights that brought a sense of relief that another day passed and hopefully tomorrow is a little better.
Podcasts, as usual, came in handy, but those eventually get old. I’ve never had so much idle time, and don’t want to again. I do have the blessing of listening to my wife interact with my daughters in the background, as much as I would like to have been participating.
The Stairs
My nemesis has been the stairs. I’ve been so weak that I’ve barely been able to climb them, usually requiring Christi’s help or using all fours. I would often go several days without going upstairs. I can climb them a bit better now following yesterday’s blood infusion.
Christi has had to do so much more for me lately on top of all that she already does. She’s amazing, but it’s been very difficult on her and all of us. This is especially true since I’m now thirteen months since transplant and supposed to be healing and getting back to “normal”.
Our faith has been tested often. This honestly has been one of the more difficult periods we’ve faced. There were days that I didn’t feel like praying much…or want to. I never doubted God was here with me, but honestly I didn’t feel like it.
But faith has nothing to do feelings.
As I sat here day after day I often had this image:
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It’s as if I was seeing a space between God and me, as if there was something I needed to do to get His attention.
I’ve listened to some sermons recently reminding me that there is nothing that I need to do to get any closer to God. I am as close to Him as I ever can be, and he loves me as much as He ever will – and it’s an incredible, unfathomable love that has nothing to do with my thoughts or efforts.
This is real love–not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. 1 John 4:10 NLT
Praying for healing and encouragement to come your way. God bless.
-Randy
Thanks brother
Prayers for you, my friend! Thanks for continuing to blog and share what’s going on! Much love for you and yours!
Thank you for supporting us so much!