I’m spending a quiet Sunday morning at Berea Hospital receiving an infusion of anti-fungal medicine to combat the infection in my lungs. It’s dreary outside, which I am thankful for since my eyes are giving me trouble again. The coffee here isn’t half bad and I’m feeling slightly better, so I don’t have much to complain about. Actually, I do. But, last time I complained nothing about my situation changed, so why bother.
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| Photo by Kevin Dooley; https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/legalcode |
The Low Point
It’s great to be home again. I was released from the hospital on Tuesday. I’ve been at the local hospital each morning since for an IV and go for a follow up on Wednesday.
This has admittedly been a low point for me. I don’t know that I’ve ever been this weak. My legs, once strong and fast from running, are now knobby and barely capable of carrying my reduced body weight. They would make skinny jeans look baggy (if I were the type to wear skinny jeans, which I’m not, ever, for the record). I can’t work much, although I have put in a few hours on my laptop from the couch. I still can’t drive either because of my eyes. Much of the time I feel like I’m just surviving.
But, I’m slowly gaining strength and breathing better. Very slowly, it seems, but I am making incremental progress. I can walk a little farther and do a little more before getting out of breath. This is such an extreme departure from where I was just a mere two years ago, strong and healthy. Even last year I could run a mile; today I couldn’t walk 50 yards.
Nowhere Else to Turn
Being so low isn’t entirely a bad thing. When you’re flat on your back, there is really only one direction that you can look—up. Of course you can close your eyes and pretend that reality is different, but this is as futile as complaining. We can try to look from side-to-side, for relief or answers, but you can never see clearly through your peripheral vision.
My life seems like a never-ending story of setbacks. This has made it hard to believe at times, but what other choice is there really? G.K. Chesterton said,
“When belief in God becomes difficult, the tendency is to turn away from him-but in heaven’s name to what?”
Were I to turn away from God, in whom or what would I place my faith? Modern medicine? It’s been nearly two years and they haven’t cured me yet. Myself? I can barely tie my shoes much less make myself better. Karma, positive energy, or fate? I’d place more faith in the Easter Bunny.
No, the only true, logical choice is Jesus. As hard as it can be to believe at times, Christ is the only one who gives us truth. In Peter’s words, He is the only one who has the words that give eternal life.
Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. (John 6:68 NLT)
Maybe getting to a place where I can only rely on God for healing and relief is necessary to reveal His good works. Maybe it’s what’s needed to fully reveal His glory through me, since I have nothing to do with the outcome. Perhaps also this is the next step in refining my character, proving to myself finally how helpless I am apart from Him. Regardless of the reasons, keeping my eyes fixed on Him provides the only real hope that I have.
Love you all. God bless you. Praying, always!
So inspirational, as usual. Continuing prayers! ~ Mike Brindle