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| Houston Skyline. Photo by J. Labrador https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/legalcode |
While the mechanics of the each trip aren’t unique, my doctor appointments and test results usually are. Each time I leave with a different battle to fight. First, it was returning FLT3 positivity. Then, it was my resurgent native bone marrow that threatens the host DNA. Now, it’s graft-versus-host disease (GVHD) of the lungs.
The Latest Challenge
I had been feeling short of breath for the last few weeks. My workouts were significantly hindered and even climbing one flight of stairs at home left me winded. I haven’t had any other symptoms, so an infection didn’t seem likely.
On Wednesday, I had a pulmonary function test. The doctors compared it with previous tests, and sure enough, my lungs showed diminished functionality. I also had two CT scans to confirm the diagnosis.
Currently, I’m doing well with it, although it can be serious if not treated. I started taking two inhalers on Wednesday and can already tell a positive difference. I also was prescribed two additional medications. Another concern is whether or not it’s permanent. It’s too early to tell. I could definitely tell my lungs are weak as I hustled through the airport in vain to catch my connecting flight.
There is some good news. My initial biopsy results revealed only 1% blasts, down from 3% in July. I’m still in remission; praise the Lord! This suggests the chemotherapy and Sorafenib (FLT3 inhibitor) are working. I expect complete results in about 10 days or so.
I have also stopped taking steroids and have reduced my dosage of tacrolimus (immunosuppressant). This is necessary to allow my donor’s DNA to proliferate. I also feel better, but the tradeoff is that GVHD, mainly a skin rash, has flared up and will likely continue to be a challenge. Reducing tacrolimus should also allow me to reduce magnesium supplements, which cause troublesome gastrointestinal issues. We’ll leave it at that.
True Motives
And so the roller coaster continues, but I’m thankful it’s still on the tracks. Despite these continued challenges, they are surmountable. Not one is a death sentence. Together, they disrupt my life, significantly at times, but the roller coaster, as tumultuous and unpredictable as it may be, is still moving forward.
Before I left home, I decided that I was making this trip for the Lord. It’s a step toward accepting this trial as a gift, which I wrote about previously. I reminded myself of this a few times, like when I was having the biopsy (which turned out to be one of the easier ones I’ve had).
The proper perspective is that my whole life is for the Lord’s pleasure. I recently read a few articles where people are talking about their own happiness, and “that’s all that really matters.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. Sure, everyone wants to be happy. God wants you to be happy. But, He is much more concerned about accomplishing his purposes and developing my character that he is my personal comfort and satisfaction. To think otherwise is idolatry, placing myself before my Lord.
I just finished The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller.(1) It’s an excellent book that gives a whole new understanding to the story of the Prodigal Son. Keller says that “to truly become Christians we must also repent of the reasons we ever did anything right.”
I’m asking God to illuminate my true motivations for wanting to be healed, for writing this blog, for wanting my life the way it was, even to breathe normally again. Is it to serve Him better, or an attempt to achieve my own happiness? These are good things, but if I want them for my own purposes above God’s, then they are pursuits made in vain.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23,24 NIV)
1. Keller, Timothy. The Prodigal God. Penguin Group, New York, 2008.