It’s one thing to persevere when you can see the finish line. It’s quite another when the end seems to be nowhere in sight. Such situations require mental as well as physical stamina. This is why elite military units often use “unknown distance” runs or foot marches to assess those who want to enter their organizations. The mind will usually quit before the body.
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| Photo by Adam Meek; http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/legalcode |
The Good and the Bad
I received the final results of the bone marrow biopsy I had back in July. As with most things over the last fifteen months, the results were mixed. The good news is that I am still in remission. In fact, the FLT3+ cells and minimal residual disease both decreased since the last biopsy. This tells us that I am responding to the chemotherapy and FLT3 inhibitor (Sorafenib).
The not-so-good news is that my own bone marrow is starting to come back and threatens the graft (my donor’s cells). This isn’t good since my marrow is defective, containing the genetic mutations that caused the leukemia in the first place. To counter this, I will continue chemotherapy and reduce the immunosuppressing drugs so that my new immune system can defeat the old one. This may lead to increased graft-versus-host disease (GVHD). It seems as if there is no end in sight for my treatment.
This isn’t a “the-sky-is falling” post. Remember: I am healed, just waiting on the full manifestation. This situation is reversible, but requires more treatment. Besides, it doesn’t change the outcome. Every day ordained for me was written in God’s book before I came to be (Psalm 139:16). We stopped leukemia’s frontal attack; now, it’s trying to outflank our defenses. But we’re repositioning forces to stop it cold. The war is over, but the battles still rage.
Holding On
It’s frustrating, I’ll admit. I strongly desire to get past this, to have a predictable body, to do things I can’t do right now, to eat the things I can’t eat, and to focus on being alive rather than staying alive.
Truthfully, though, I’m doing very well. I have more energy most days and feel well, other than some of the side effects of my medicine. I’m working full time and feel like I’m making a contribution. I know lots of people who would love to trade places with me.
Despite this perspective, I am reminded daily, sometimes hourly, of my need for something –someone–to hold on to. I cannot do this on my own.
One of my favorite songs right now is “I Am” by David Crowder.1
There’s no space that His love can’t reach
There’s no place where we can’t find peace
There’s no end to amazing grace…
I am, Holding on to You
I am, Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on, I am.
The truth is there is an end to my treatment, even though I cannot see it. There is a time when I’ll be restored, if not in this life then definitely in the next. If I have to live in 4-week segments between chemotherapy treatments for a few more months, then at least I’m living. If I have to deal with GVHD for a while longer, then at least I know my new immune system is working.
While there is an end to my treatment, there is no end to God’s amazing grace. His love and grace are infinite and freely available to each of us. As the long road of treatment continues, I will continue to hold on what I know to be true. I am holding on to I AM.
Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. (2 Peter 1:2 NIV)
1. David Crowder. (2014) I Am. On Neon Steeple [CD]. Sixstepsrecords/Sparrow Records
Well said, well done.