“A pinch and a burn.” This is the warning right before my tormentor inserts the syringe of lidocaine into my lower back before starting the lumbar puncture. It usually takes a few injections before the area is numb, but it’s never completely without feeling. Next comes the insertion of a larger needle in the space between my L4 and L5 vertebrae with the intent of puncturing the sheath surrounding my spinal cord to sample my cerebrospinal fluid and deliver chemotherapy. If I’m lucky, the needle hits home the first time. More often than not, it’s a tortuous process of trial and error until the needle finds it’s mark. Deep breaths. Distraction by looking at pictures of my girls on my iPhone. Prayer that it will soon be over. No one tells you about this when you sign up for leukemia.
Despite the pain and discomfort, I am in a place that I’ve been before. I don’t just mean the previous fifteen lumbar punctures and nine bone marrow biopsies. These few moments of pain, discomfort, and even anxiety are not foreign.
I’ve been here during mile two of the Army physical fitness test 2-mile run, when my lungs are burning and my legs scream for relief. I don’t quit. I can’t quit. I’ve been here on mile 13 of a half-marathon. The end is in sight but my body is begging for relief. Somehow, though, this mile is faster that all the others. I’ve been here during month twelve of a deployment, when a year has passed but we have seemingly so long to go and the mission just got that much harder. To quit now would be more than failure. It would be the betrayal of those who count on me, a complete denial of the character forged in me by God and Uncle Sam.
“I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.”
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| Photo courtesy of US Army, www.army.mil |
This is the Warrior Ethos, found in the US Army Soldier’s Creed. It’s not just an oath to be recited, but a way of life, tempered through arduous training and repeated challenges. The Warrior Ethos is built on the premise that the mind will quit long before the body will. Both the mind and body are capable of enduring extreme stress, but not without preparation. Just like we should harden our bodies, the mind demands training. Each of us has a “will power muscle” that must be exercised. It’s part of who God made us to be.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
Whatever resolve I have was tested this week. We received excellent news from the biopsy: my marrow is only 4% blasts, down from 18% a month ago. Clinically, this is “remission”, although in reality there is still most likely disease remaining in my body. I started round three of the clinical trial and we were set up to return to Kentucky for five weeks and then come back after Christmas for the transplant. The bad news came when we learned that the lumbar punctures continue to be positive for leukemia in my central nervous system and, therefore, I need to have radiation to my brain and spine before the transplant. The radiation needs to be done over two and a half weeks in December. So much for our month at home. To make matters worse, a potential side effect is “cognitive dysfunction”, which really scares me. Will I be the same person when it’s all over?
I was in that place again, but God didn’t let me stay there. After some moments of despair and fear, He reminded me of all He’s done so far and will continue to do. He reminded me that I can do this –with His strength—because He will not give me more than I can handle. It’s up to me to persevere and never accept defeat. I owe that much to my wife and daughters. It’s up to me to never quit, because He won’t.
Continue to keep the faith Sir…you are a true inspiration to so many. Prayers are continually being prayed for you & your family…love to you all. The Roarks
Fight the good fight, finish the course, sir. I’m keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Thank you, both. We so appreciate the prayers!