How many times must a man’s heart break before it will no longer heal? At least once more, I hope.
Practice makes perfect, they say, but there are some things in life a man does not want to become good at. Saying goodbye to those I love is at the top of my list. I’ve done it more times than I care to remember. In some ways it gets easier; in others, as my girls get older and know what it means for Daddy to leave, the pain is more intense, fueled by sad faces and sometimes even little-girl tears. Each time, an ominous feeling of dread overtakes me the day before the approaching black cloud of my departure.
I’m no stranger to goodbyes. I left Christi for the first time only four months after we were married when I went to the US Army Airborne School for three weeks. It was tough, but I was excited about jumping out of airplanes. There have been countless goodbyes for Army training over the course of eleven years of marriage, but most of the time I’m only leaving for a couple weeks.
And then there are the deployments. Take the infamous “Departure Ceremony Goodbye of 2005” when I left Christi for my first deployment to Iraq. Emotions boiled over in between the ceremony and boarding the bus to leave and it was all I could do to hold it together in front of my troops. Leaving again to return to Iraq after mid-tour leave was nearly as bad, this time at the airport.
I’ve made mistakes, too. Like when I left for my second Iraq deployment. I absconded from the house early in the morning before Emmy, then barely two, woke up. I thought that would be better. Wrong. When she went to bed, Daddy was there, but when she awakened, he was unexpectedly gone. After I got home from the deployment, for weeks she would ask me before naps and bedtime, “Will you be here when I wake up, Daddy?”
Perhaps the worse was when I left to return to the demobilization station after coming home for a 4-day pass. Even though I was back from Iraq, most of our forces were returning piecemeal over the next three weeks and I was responsible for managing their arrival. As I readied to leave, Emmy stood with me at the door, crocodile tears streaming over her cheeks, repeating “Bye, Daddy” and waving.
And so here we are again. Christi and I left for Texas this morning, saying goodbye to Emmy and, for the first time, to Abrie. Emmy was mollified by the presence of her Nana; she’s so excited about spending the week with her. Mom and Dad…not so much. The weight of biopsies, lumbar punctures, and potential bad news can be crushing, but knowing we may only be gone for a week makes it a little easier. The results of the biopsy will determine whether I have more chemo and come home, or start the transplant and stay in Texas for four months.
I’ve built up defense mechanisms along the way: say all your heartfelt sentiments in advance and then make for a quick exit. If you stare into their eyes for even a second too long, it’s over. Try to focus on the outcome and adventure of travel. That last one didn’t really work this time.
But there is one thing that gets me through every goodbye: hope. With each farewell is the hope for a glorious reunion. From the moment I leave, I dream of that first hug and kiss and getting back to a place where time doesn’t seem so small, when the pain of separation is trumped by the joy of being in each other’s presence.
Isn’t it incredible knowing that this is how God looks at each of us? It’s the very reason that Jesus came, to restore the relationship between us and our Father, to restore to us the joy of being in His presence. Just like I envision Emmy running into my arms when we get home, so our Heavenly Father receives us with open arms. The difference is that we don’t have to wait for the trip to be over.
May God bless you on this trip with good results. You, Christi, those girls and Nana are in my prayers.
I am in awe of your faith in God and the inspiration you are. May God bless you and Christi and we all know that our fate is in His hands. But there never will be a problem too big for our God to handle. Prayers are with you and your family.
Prayers for good news…prayers for you & your family through it all. You are a true inspiration & have the love & prayers of so many!!! Keep us posted…hope to see you all again very soon!!!! The Roarks
Praying for you!!! May the POWER of HIS SPIRIT continue to strengthen you at all times and may GOD continue to receive THE GLORY from the life that you live!!!
Thanks. God is good and we trust that He is remaining true to his promises.