The first week of the second cycle of this clinical trial will be over tomorrow. So far, so good. I’ve faced the requisite nausea and depressed appetite, but overall there isn’t much to complain about. My neutrophils are low again, so I’m at an increased risk of infection. Back to the restricted diet and frequent application of hand sanitizer.
Lord willing, we will be returning to Kentucky for about three weeks. Our plan is to leave Texas on Wednesday. I am not required to be here for weeks 2-4 of this cycle of chemotherapy, so we’re planning on a much-needed break. We are excited to see our family and be in the comfort of our home. The change of command ceremony for the battalion that I’m leaving is on Saturday. While I’m not happy about leaving command and the Soldiers who are my second family, I am looking forward to seeing some great friends.
We plan to return to Texas on or about November 18. I have a bone marrow biopsy scheduled for the 19th (this time with anesthesia…not making that mistake again); we should know the results the next day. This will determine if I have another round of chemotherapy or begin the stem cell transplant. Of course, we’re praying for the leukemia to be in remission and to begin the transplant soon after returning to Texas. We’re praying for a cure so that we can move on to the next chapter in our lives.
On the surface, it’s seems so obvious that we should want this chapter to come to a close. Our lives have been interrupted for almost six months while we fight this disease that no one wanted or expected. That’s true when we consider only our plans, our hopes, our ideal life, but it may not be true when we consider the bigger picture. Our “interruption” may be a building block in the Kingdom of God.
This has been on my mind a lot lately. I pray earnestly for healing, so that I can raise my daughters, spend a long life with my wife, and be of service in the Kingdom of God. It’s a dominating thought every day, nearly every waking moment. But is this what I should want above all else?
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else…(Matthew 6:33a NLT)
Above all else…that includes healing. It includes my wife and my children. It includes my job and financial well-being. Jesus said that the greatest commandment is “[To] love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37 NLT). So, if I am really his disciple, then I have to love him and want his Kingdom more than anything else, even my own life. This is a tough pill to swallow. When I examine my own heart I have to admit that often my deepest desires don’t align with God’s Word. But, that’s where grace comes in. I’m a work in progress; God knows that and loves me anyway.
Hurt, grief, and fatherless children aren’t part of His plan, although they are a product of this fallen world. So, I have to believe that healing me is His perfect will. Even more important, however, is the advancement of His Kingdom, regardless of the personal stakes. Most of the disciples spread the Gospel at the cost of their lives. The very same may be required of me – of any of us. I pray that it’s not, but I also pray that whenever the day comes, above all else, I will love Him first.