Choices

“Everyone here was really disappointed by the news.” That’s what my hematologist said after discussing treatment options with us since the leukemia has relapsed. He genuinely meant it, and I appreciated it. I could have made a sarcastic remark, but what good would that have done? The doctors, nurses, and staff at the UK Markey Center have treated my family and me exceptionally well. This isn’t my doctor’s fault. It’s not mine. It’s not God’s. I’m not blaming anyone. If anything, I’m mad at the devil.

Three rounds of chemotherapy have failed to keep the leukemia in remission long enough to have the stem cell transplant. With each failure, the chances for a cure, medically speaking, are reduced. I stopped caring about statistics a while ago, but my doctor says they’re between 30 and 50% with the available treatment options at the University of Kentucky. I’m not a gambler and I don’t play the lottery, but I know enough not to like those odds.

My doctor painstakingly researched a number of options and narrowed them to three: 1) stay at UK and try a different drug combination, 2) enter a clinical trial at Vanderbilt, or 3) seek treatment, possibly a clinical trial, at MD Anderson in Houston, Texas. After thoroughly discussing the merits of each option, he recommended that we go to Texas. I asked him if he would recommend MD Anderson if I were his son. He replied with, “I’d put you in the car and drive you there myself.” ‘Nuff said.

So, we have a choice to make. This isn’t a decision to take lightly. We’ve prayed and asked others to pray for wisdom and discernment. Christi and I have discussed it at length and done research. Everything seems to be pointing to MD Anderson. In fact, I nearly cried tears of joy when I read that they have an “extensive restaurant-style menu of fresh, cooked-to-order foods” for patients. That may seem like a small thing, but after eating the same ol’ stuff with a sometimes-finicky appetite (due to chemo), I dreaded the UK fare. So, I have applied to be accepted for treatment at MD Anderson and should hear something on Monday. If I am accepted, we’ll hopefully be on the road to Texas next week.

In the meantime, we are left to wait and hope and pray and love each other. But we also have another choice to make: are we to trust God and continue to believe that He will heal me or do we wallow in despair at this latest setback? Do we still believe that God is who he says he is or do we shift our faith from the Lord to the doctors?

Faith is a choice, not an emotion. We don’t choose it blindly. God’s Word and movement in our lives are all the evidence we need. We choose to believe that God will see this good work to completion. We believe that he will heal me because we feel strongly that He has said that to my wife, my pastor, many others, and even myself.

We are not avoiding reality and we don’t think there is anything magical or miraculous about MD Anderson itself, but if we are to go there, then it’s for a reason. This journey has long ago veered off the path we would have chosen, but at every turn God has brought goodness and grace and others have seen his Glory. That’s worth a trip to Texas.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1, NIV