No News is…Maddening

I’ve never been much of a worrier, thankfully. I usually don’t dwell on things much. I’m not so sure this is a product of my faith or if it is the ability to push a thought from my mind while I concern myself with something else. I suspect the latter.

This week may very well change that about me. We still do not have the results of the bone marrow biopsy that I had on Thursday, July 18. We were told today to expect it later this week. I also learned that since my blood counts have not returned to an acceptable level, my admission to the hospital for more chemotherapy has been delayed until next Wednesday. Lord willing, I’ll get to stay at home another week.

I haven’t really worried too much since Thursday but I certainly have been anxious at times. The chances of getting any results on Friday were slim but I started watching my phone about 8 am, expecting at anytime to see “UK Markey Cancer Center” showing as an incoming call. It did, actually, about 11 am, but the call was regarding a platelet infusion, not the biopsy. As 5 o’clock passed on Friday, so subsided my anxious expectations. The workday was over. There would be no call today. I could rest easy over the weekend.  No bad news.  No good news, either.

Sunday night was soon upon us and I started feeling the same dread that I used to feel the night before attending Officer Candidate School. Ominous, black clouds of the impending trial ahead of me would enter my mind, occasionally taking over my thoughts until I could somehow divert them to something else. Sunday night turned into Monday morning. My first thought was about how my life would change today. I kept my phone close by all day. Phantom ring tones played in my ears. Five p.m. passed again and the roller coaster leveled off. No more need to stare at my phone, at least until tomorrow morning.

I can’t recall another time when I’ve experienced something like this. I’ve prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to comfort me, and he has. Mostly, I’ve been able to enjoy being home with my family in spite of the occasional worry. I’ve been home for over two weeks now, a much needed break from the hospital. It’s helped that I’ve felt so well and things at home seem mostly normal. I feel my best since going into the hospital back in May. I even felt good enough to start exercising on the elliptical cross-trainer, albeit at the lowest resistance level and only for about twenty-five minutes. Christi has been feeding me a couple of protein shakes each day to help me gain weight. Food tastes like its supposed to and I have a good appetite. I’m even back in the routine of helping with Emmy’s bath time and bedtime, and changing Abrie’s dirty diapers.

Life is good…yet it all hangs on the balance of a phone call. Or, does it? Does a phone call change God’s promises to my family and me? Are the words of a distant voice more powerful than the Word given to us by our Creator? Of course, the answer is no. My family and I, along with so many of you, have prayed and presented our requests to God. He hears our prayers.

Honestly, tomorrow I’ll probably feel much the same way I did today. I’ll stare at my phone. My heart will jump into my throat each time I hear the “Theme from Rocky” from my iPhone speakers. But, I’ll keep praying and continue to remind myself that that my Father cares about that phone call even more than me, and He’s the one who scripted it.

     “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Phil 4:6