I Surrender

It’s not about me. This life, that is. Oh, sure, I try to make it that way. It is human nature, but it’s wrong. 

As the roller coaster ride called “Cancer” continues, I have so easily got caught up in my own circumstances that I lose sight of the big picture. My thoughts have taken me captive rather than me controlling them. Take my uninformed logic and limited medical knowledge, coupled with some ill advised Google searches, and I’ve all but written my obituary. I’ve spent more time and mental energy considering my own condition and future these last few days than I have on how I am part of God’s plan. 

So, I give up. I’m not giving up this fight with cancer, mind you. I give up worrying about what might happen and what might not. I give up considering everything that could go wrong. I give up drawing premature conclusions based on incomplete evidence in matters in which I am uneducated. I surrender.

I’ve been back in the hospital for this fever for three days now. If all continues to go well, then I will go home tomorrow. I haven’t had a fever in about two days, so it’s looking good. The plan still is for me to come back next week for more chemotherapy. In the last couple days, however, some conditions have arisen that are cause for concern, but not definitive of something wrong, hence my preoccupation with myself.

Jesus said in Matthew 10:39, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” If I’m preoccupied with my own existence then my focus is misplaced. Rather, my attention should be on honoring God and fulfilling his plan, not for my own good but for his glory. If I really believe, if I really love God, then I want his will to be done over my own. My biggest concern is my family. I want to be here so Christi and I can raise our daughters. I still believe that I will be, but, as important as that is, it’s not everything. In fact, if I care more about this than I do fulfilling God’s plan, then my family has become an idol in my life and my priorities are out of order. Our Savior tells us in Matt. 10:37b, “anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” That’s a hard pill to swallow.

There is nothing easy about this. So much is at stake. But, to truly live, I must surrender to God and his infinite wisdom. I cannot pretend to know what He has planned, except that it will be good. Worry, fear, anxiety, selfishness…all are counterproductive and push us farther from his will. The only real choice is to surrender and let His grace be sufficient. I’m not talking about sticking my head in the sand and pretending everything will be alright. I am instead saying that I choose to surrender to the Father’s will and abandon my own.

I’ll probably have to read this blog post tomorrow to remind myself when my thoughts again run rampant. Hopefully I’ll be reading it from home.