What if the Answer is “No?”

This is a tough one.

I’m doing very well.  Thankfully, I have felt good the last several days.  The troll has finally moved on, although I’m still dealing with the damage he left in his wake.  My vision is getting a little better each day.  I was very blessed to be able to have a “date night” with Christi yesterday in my hospital room.  We watched a movie and had Indian food.  It was great.  There are still no signs of cancer cells in my blood.  This is good news, but again the important test is the bone marrow biopsy that I’ll have in another week and a half.  This will tell us if the cancer is in remission. 

What if it’s not? 

Don’t worry, I haven’t lost hope.  I’m still confident of God’s promises and I believe that He is going to heal me.  Yet, this is still a possibility that I have to consider.  Jesus tells us how to pray in Matthew chapter 6, “Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.”  So, if I really want God’s will to be done in my life then I have to acknowledge that His divine plan may not include healing me.

I’m not okay with that.  I should be, I guess.  Maybe I’m not “spiritual” enough.  I’m sorry, but I’m not okay with not being around to raise my daughters and be a husband to my wife.  The very thought of that literally takes my breath away. Selfishly, I want my daughters to remember their daddy and how much he loves them.  I firmly believe that God works all things for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28), but from my limited human perspective it’s hard to see how there could be any good in “no.”

One of my favorite stories in the Old Testament is that of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from Daniel chapter 3.  They refused to bow and worship the idol that King Nebuchadnezzar had created.  When they were brought before the king, this is how they responded:

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:16-18)

They were thrown into the furnace, but they weren’t alone.  God kept them from being hurt and delivered them from the fire because they refused to worship a false god.  They were faithful to the God of Abraham despite being faced with certain death.

I pray that I can have such faith if faced with “no.”  I desire a faith that can encounter the very worst and still say, “but even if he does not save me…I will still serve and worship the God who loves me.”  That’s a hard thing to do.  My flesh does not feel like saying that, but I believe that it is true and therefore I must say it.  I want with all my being to be home with my family, to be a husband and father, the way it was before.  But God’s ways are bigger than my ways and I have to trust Him to save me and my family from the furnace.  He is able to deliver us from it.  But even if He does not…