Mistaken Identity

Quick Update.

My time at home has been better than imagined. I’ve felt great and have spent much time with Christi and the girls. By the good grace of God we also learned this week that two stem-cell donors have been identified. Both are perfect matches for me. Praise God! If all goes well, the transplant will start in another 4-6 weeks. But first, tomorrow, July 18, is a big day. I’ll have a bone marrow biopsy at 1 pm. This will, hopefully, confirm that the cancer is in remission and that we can proceed with the transplant. Prayers, please!

Stranger in the Mirror.

The final blow came this afternoon when I answered the phone. The voice at the other end said something like, “Hello, this is Jim from Medic Alert. We have a special deal for you. Maybe you’ve seen our commercials on TV…”

“No, thanks. I’m not interested.” Click.

And with the “special offer” that is normally marketed to elderly persons came crashing down the remaining pillars of my ego. I mean, it’s bad enough that I’m drinking Ensure and Juven, but did I have to get offered a product that anyone over the age of twenty-five automatically associates with the “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” commercials? Add this latest “insult” to the battery of medical procedures, some in places I’d rather not mention, and the disagreeable side effects of chemotherapy, and I’m left wondering if any of my dignity remains.

Who is this guy in the mirror staring back at me? Six months ago, he was a fit, healthy, confident Army major with close-cropped black hair who ran half-marathons. Today, he’s a bald waif with visible cheekbones and no muscle tone who gets winded walking up the stairs.

Soldier. Infantry Officer. Commander. Runner. Husband. Father.

These titles have constructed my identity over the last eighteen years. I’ve taken pride in being a Soldier since I first enlisted in 1995. Probably more than anything, my service as an Infantry Officer has shaped my character and personality during my 20s. Since then, being a husband and a father has changed me for the better. I was also the guy who took good care of himself and could run pretty well. That was me…until May 10, 2013.

Some aspects of who I thought I was have been (temporarily) stripped away. The runner has become a mall walker. The Infantry Officer is taking a knee, his command tenure soon to be rightfully, yet painfully cut short as a result of this enemy, cancer. The husband and father feels blessed to have his wonderful family, even though time with them is limited and he cannot completely fulfill his responsibilities.

The Real Me.

So, who am I?

A Son. An Heir.

     “So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.” Galatians 4:7

I am someone who is deeply loved and valued by my Heavenly Father. I knew that before May 10, but I didn’t place that at the core of my identity. This “title” shared significance with the others and did not define me as it should have.

Maybe this is how God is refining me during this time. If suffering produces character, then perhaps I will emerge from this trial with a better understanding of my identity as it God intended it to be. Being a father and a husband and a Soldier are all wonderful things, but none of them alone should define me. They are an important part of who I am but are secondary to Whose I am.

When every other role in our life is taken away or diminished, we can either become lost, unsure of anything, grasping for hope in the wrong places, or we will become acutely aware of the very reason that we were created in the first place. God intended for me to be a Soldier, a husband, and a father, of this I am sure, but first He created me to be his Son, a joint heir with Christ Jesus, my Savior, to bring Him glory while working in the family business. Before anything else, that is who I need to see when I look in the mirror.

     “Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans 8:17

Question for you: How can you see yourself as God intended, rather than how you currently view your identity? Leave a comment below to discuss.